Men and Primary Colours

The colour systems used in the world today are flawed. Men have always known the truth. There are eleven primary colours.

The Facts

There are three primary colours, right? Three colours of which all others are composed; The building blocks of our perception of light; A fundamental physical concept. Admitedly there's disagreement between those who work with light and those involved in printing about the actual colours, but the number is the one thing they are sure about - three.

What your girlfriend says

It shouldn't come as much of a surprise to any woman that men don't see things that way. Yes, here I present another law of physics that men cannot, and will not, accept. This is not a cause for dismay, however. It is an explanation that may save many a relationship and stop oft heated debates before they happen.

When your man next calls your rust sweater brown, scorn him not. Don't throw kitchen utensils at him for mistaking mauve for purple. He has an inherent inability to see colour as you do, and for that he should be pitied.

Yeah, but your girlfriend is full of...

The other side of the argument is that women invent nonsense colours to trap the unwary boyfriend or casual observer. Aquamarine, anyone? I think not. Or perhaps she is chasing adulation as a fashion guru. What better way is there than to been seen wearing the latest body top in a stunning shade of some unpronouncable, unheard of colour? Let's face it people - they're talking rubbish.

I'm a guy - get over it

There are eleven primary colours. Why? Because that's all there needs to be.

The Real Primary Colours

I assure you, these are the basic units of colour. Any colour you need to describe is a combination of these eleven primaries.

White  Black  Red  Green 
Blue  Yellow  Brown  Purple 
Orange  Pink  Grey 

Composite Colours

You'll need the letter "Y" and a hyphen, and then you're ready to describe any colour you need.

rust is browny-red
aquamarine is greeny-blue

You now have (almost) the full male colour vocabulary. Any colour you need to talk about is a combination of two or more of The Real Primary Colours. Yellowy-purple; Pinky-blue; Blacky-grey. See? It's easy. Little did you know that men have used the ultimate colour description system for aeons, and you thought they were just stupid!

Qualified Colours

We're nearly there. There is one final jigsaw piece left. Every bluey-brown doesn't look the same - not that a man would notice anyhow. When you need to be certain of an exact verbalisation of your devastating dress you should qualify it thusly

Light bluey-brown
Dark bluey-brown

Prepend light for lighter shades and dark for darker shades. Combining qualifications (lighty-dark bluey-brown) is discouraged.


Taa-daa! Now you're done. Knowledge such as this comes at a price though. You must bear the burden of educating those who do not yet know. You must strive to stamp out daft inventions like violet and puce and spread their real names: light bluey-purple and fecked if I know. You must show people so that they may believe there are truly eleven primary colours.

[A Second Opinion]

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